Inside Battles

 

“Your lungs are fine, but -”

My lungs are fine, the doctor said but I somehow forgot how to breathe when she mentioned the word ‘but.’ I was hospitalized for days because of fever and a recurring cough which made me also miss my fifth grade recognition. They were checking for pneumonia through an x-ray but what they found was something else. That March of 2008 permanently made a curve in my life – literally and changed it forever.

“Your lungs are fine, but you have scoliosis.” Scoliosis. The word was foreign to me back then but I welcomed the diagnosis with familiarity as if it were an old friend. As if my mind already knew that it had been there for years and it just finally had a name now. Or maybe it helped that I was staring at an x-ray. My x-ray. My x-ray which seemed to have a letter S for a spine instead of the normal straight line.

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Murdering Memories

Head heavy with tequila I thought I was getting rid of you. As I puked away the poison and what’s left in my system, I thought I’ve flushed you out as well. My night got dimmer and so were the memories but then my eyes started to water and tears found their way down my cheeks. No, this shouldn’t be happening. I SHOULD BE HAPPY. But why, why am I crying? My body should be rejoicing, not weeping. Then my vision started to get blurry, everything else was fading ever so slowly and then all at once – a dark oblivion.

I woke from that fateful night, thinking how it is so fuzzy to me. I could barely remember what I said or did…heck I could barely remember the rest of the night. But I realized something quite frustrating but true, the heavier my night fell, the clearer the memories of you that I was trying to kill.

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